Throughout this entire process, I felt like I was on the verge of something “bigger.” With two colicky infants and a policeman husband, I put myself on the back burner and continued to cope by stuffing myself with food or depriving myself of it. At the time, Binge Eating Disorder wasn’t a medical diagnosis, but I saw a therapist at a center that specialized in treatment for eating disorders. Only after I had my twins in 2004 did I seek help for my disordered eating. I began a cycle of counting and tracking points, bingeing, hating myself, restricting my food intake, exercising compulsively, feeling hopeful, and then spiraling downward again. In hindsight, I see that i t actually started the moment I began counting points. My disordered eating took root quickly after that first binge. I had just lectured a room full of women on how to “eat right,” telling them, “If you bite it, you write it,” but there I sat bloated and confused as to why I had just eaten thousands of sugary calories. I felt disgusting and zoned-out, but mostly I felt like a hypocrite. The program teaches members to rely on external means (points) rather than internal cues. I settled on a family-size bag of Snickers balls and ate the entire package on my hour-long commute home. Plus, I was tired of constantly feeling hungry. I wanted to numb my feelings and forget about my boss’s hurtful comments. Exhausted from a long day at the office and an unexpected meeting, I stopped at Walgreens for a snack on my way home and felt myself being drawn to the candy aisle. Soon after my supervisor called me out on my (small) weight gain, I was asked to lead a meeting near my workplace. The program teaches us that we are “less than” if we weigh more than what is considered acceptable by Weight Watchers (or a doctor’s) guidelines. In other words, I would not be considered worthy of leading meetings and working for Weight Watchers if I wasn’t thin enough. She asked me what was going on with my weight and told me that-as leaders-we have standards to uphold. One day, one of my bosses pulled me into the conference room. We were having issues with infertility, and maintaining my thinness was the least of my concerns. My husband and I had started trying for a baby. Within a couple of months, I had started to gain weight, and my supervisors took notice. I took the job – proud to be moving up the ladder. Not long after I became a Weight Watchers leader, I was offered a job at the corporate office about an hour from my home. The program teaches its members to look ahead and never to be in the present moment. Here’s a few ways Weight Watchers failed me. Back then, I believed being thin was the only chance I had at happiness. I thought I’d always have to live hungry to have a chance at being happy. At one point, I had dropped below my goal weight by a fairly considerable amount. We all weighed-in faithfully, and before we even had a chance to celebrate our victories or bandage our wounded post weigh-in egos, we would already be making a plan for the number to go down at our next meeting.Īt my goal, I was given so few points that I was always starving. My loyal members, like me, would determine their success based on the number on the scale. I was a fairly successful leader, leading traditional and at-work meetings. Get paid to maintain my new, tiny figure? Count me in! I signed-on right away. Fueling the fireĪfter losing a considerable amount of weight, I was asked to become a Weight Watchers leader. And it stuck with me for years as I plummeted into a full-blown eating disorder. “BLTs” (bites, licks, and tastes) became little reminders that I had no willpower, and every morsel must be recorded to keep me accountable. Weight Watchers fed into my perfectionist tendencies by insisting it was acceptable-and celebrated-to write down everything I ate. My mom had quit the program about a month into my weight loss journey, but by that time I was hooked. I attended weekly Monday night meetings religiously for 9 months. Might as well keep coming.” I did keep going… I thought, “That was easy! Weight Watchers gives me something to focus on. When Mom and I returned for our second weigh-in the next week, I had lost 4.5lbs. Looking back, I see how innocent and truly naive I was. I figured it would give us a reason to get together once a week, and if I lost a few pounds in the process, it would be an added bonus. We’d never been close, and I agreed to go with her in hopes that we would bond. For years now, I’ve felt that I’m on the verge of something… like I could start fully living and enjoying my life if that something clicked into place.īack in 2000-when I was 20 years old-I joined Weight Watchers with my mom.
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